more of a brain dump/journal than a blog but you can't tell me what to do hahahah
3/2/26
Talked to one prof today, should be getting emailed about another soon? Will email both tonight if nothing after ochem test. Studying for practical. Larping is the key to studying. Wish it was winter, Letting my time pass me by-- I want to do so much but I don't find myself wanting to do what it takes to do that. Won't let this year pass me by, right? I hope.3/1/26
The halfway point of the semster is getting closer and closer (and my exams are reflecting that!). Got a 48/50 on bio, but I have bigger fish to fry with my Ochem test and bio lab practical. I practiced my clarinet last night, but I doubt that I will again until wednesday (my bio pracrical). Currently emailing about labs and feeling quite overwhelmed by everything, but I'm still managing to stay afloat. I need to get a haircut, but have NO clue what I should do (it was terrible last time). Hopefully this time next week I'll be dome with most things except physics, and be in a lab. Maybe over spring break I can finish hat, start cycling, and spruce up this website.2/26/26
I'm sitting in my lesbian class right now (in the front so people can see me typing). I have a bio test and the honors leader retreat tomorrow. I also have an Ochem test on monday. I am excited for these if you can't tell. I'm only half joking-- I'm so glad to have these opportunities but also don't like my day being full from start to finish. I have to do my Physics post lab tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm going to Jeff's for the crazy good deal (and to study for bio) and then hope to read slaughterhouse five or go practice my clarinet.2/23/26
12:17 AM rn, Just finished my physics Pre-lab after the grueling WGS essay. I was trying to learn her majesty on guitar but my RA came in and gave me a thumbs down. I never have time to practice guitar in my dorm :( I'm either a way, its crowded, or people are trying to sleep. So sad. My laptop is having an issue where the screen will go black until I close and reopen it or use the power button. It usually happens after I jolt my laptop. Real annoying. No progress on the site today, I have to schedule my biology test for friday. I'm a bit worried about it as it's just a bunch of anima classification and I find it hard to follow and actually digest in class. Pseudocoelom my ass. I need to catch up on stonebutch blues, start reading slaughterhouse 5, and pick back up japanese vocab. I think I do enjoy writing when I have no expectation to meet. My schedule is looking quite probelmatic and tight next semester-- a weird blend of lower level and not very specific (gen chem, bio 2) with upper level/major specific classes, honors leader and peer mentor stuff is just going to be oh so eventful. I really want to find a look that I like and that works for me. I wish I had clothes and a haircut that I liked. Sometimes it really is the littlest things. I want to learn to double knit so I can make all those cool scarves.
12:17 PM now-- sitting in the library wanting to do much more than I am doing right now. I wish I wanted everything as much as I wanted to want it. Gonna see about an ensemble next semester-- orchestra is a pipe dream, but it really is a dream for me. I need to start actually doing research ffs. Going to see about moss lab, physical stuff instead of reading and 'gramming. I really wish I started trying to try earlier-- even now I find myself not trying, I hate it so much. I wish I was oh so accomplished-- passing with flying colors in my classes, playing clarinet in an ensemble, doing research, knitting, and having a cool website. But as it stands thats not me. I'm not too far, but I'm quite far from being there. I want to do everything but I don't want it enough to do it. Oh brother. I want to play piano, to read. Oh Ms. Plath what did conclusion did you come to under that fig tree. maybe the solution to all of this tumult in my head is to be radically in love with everything that i do2/21/26
I still have to do all those essays but I'm procrastinating and revamping the ol' site. I've been ruminating more than usual recently, and It's left me feeling disappointed. I want to do so much: I want to read, to dance, to knit, to play music, to listen to it, to bake, to talk, to go out, to learn-- to experience the breadth of all that is around me, but I can't shake the feeling/observation that in trying to do so many different things I leave myself with no time to truly enjoy the depth of any of these things (subtle honors reference lol). It's not that I think it isn't worth it to expereince something if it's not being experienced in its entirety-- nothing exclusionist or elitist like that. I personally just want to experience so much and time and time again finding my lack of time getting the better of me. On a side note, I;ve been brainstorming ways to get leadership/service positions and I'm wondering if becoming an Ochem TA would be on the table for me next year (probably not-- they're all grads over upperclassmen) (I should really study some more OChem 2 then, eh?). I feel like this little journal is both overly narrative about things but also not narrative enough at points. I list the stupid details that I doubt I'll really want to look back on in the future, and I'm leaving out the actual substance. It's like writing down a piece of music with everything but the notes. 2/20/26
This is NOT good!!! I was about to submit what amounts to a graduation plan to my Honors college, when I realized that it required my assigned academic advisor's signature. This shouldn't have been a problem but it's 4 pm on Friday and outlook says he's currently away and won't be back until 2/23. This is due "by" tomorrow (Does by mean on or before?!?!?!). The 21st. YIKES! I really hope this isn't some technicality I get caught on that stops me from graduating with honors altogether. I would actually really really hate that. I hope they're foergiving.
UPDATE 5:23 PM
All is well with the honors situation. I submitted some other things and I think I'm done with paperwork-esque stuff for the time being, but I cant shake the feelin that I'm forgetting something. I really should start using a planner. I got a 16/18 on that physics test I was worried about. Mixed feelings about that :/. I need to start writing scholarship essays and my lesbian communities essay. :( I'm no essayist-- I'll tell you that much 2/18/26
I have a physics test that I really ought to be studying for (that I feel like I'm going to bomb). I want to love applying myself, when times are hard (not that my situation is anything even closely resembling hard times) but I just can't make myself like what I don't like. I think I'm too stubborn and opinionated for my own good. I really ought to learn how to make myself study effectively instead of staring at the paper endlessly and getting just about nothing done. I do do things, but I genuinely feel that it amounts to nothing. Yeah I learn subjects, but I feel like that knowledge is effectively fleeting-- nothing I do results in actual change for myself or others. I might make superficial changes in the way somebody thinks of something or physically alter thingsby standing somewhere but that is more or less what I believe my extent to be. Not really but I can't put it a better way-- I know people enjoy my presence and I know I don't need to justify my presence, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm really just not doing much.
My feelings, habits, and schedule are a mess. I want to feel content and peaceful with what I have. I want to do research and all sorts of things. I want to go to clubs and dilly dally but I do NOT have time right now and that leaves me feelign like I'm getting nothing done. I want to reconcile my feelings on a lot of things with how I want to and really feel I ought to feel. Such are the woes of an introspective and melancholy teenage boy.